Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me