Birds & Planes.
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.