Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
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have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages