Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.