Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*praying for world peace*
God: