I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
every. time.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”