Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.