movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
You Might Also Like
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.