My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.