How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?