Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Hero horse inspires millions
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
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