Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.