9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”