CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
This is enough internet for the day.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.