I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.