Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong