[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser