Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat