Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Seas the day!!!!
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.