Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”