5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
channeling her this year
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not