paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.