*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
the battle rages on
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.