[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes