You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
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Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
this is the news I live for
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.