Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle