“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN