Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Pretty much! 😂👀
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Shortcut
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.