A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Goat cheese is for herders.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.