Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation