Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me