Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.