Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie