I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex