Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday