Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.