[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
your elf on the shelf was delicious