People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes