why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
2022 will be better than 2021
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?