ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.