You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
every. time.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”