“I took care of your clown problem.”
You Might Also Like
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Carpe DM
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it