4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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My love language is deader than Latin
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I can’t wait!
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
how was your vacation
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table