My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Google Pay be like:
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
The Punning Dead.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Are we there yet?…
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.