Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.