If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Saw your ex at the shops
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
starting a garage orchestra
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.