“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You Might Also Like
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: how are you
Friday: good
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
You have been warned.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.