[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.