No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”