good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me My dog
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The cashier just checked me out.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
“Wait, let me explain..”
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.